(no subject)

[roundaboutdaisy]

Throwaway because I just needed to write about this and know that someone, anyone, has seen it. Thank you for making this. I'll put the usual caveats about how others have it worse up here so I can talk about the subjective awfulness of my situation unrestrainedly.

I've stopped going outside. Not entirely - last week I had an eye appointment because they wouldn't let me order new glasses without one, and two weeks before that I went to the beach with my partner. But in between, I don't leave the house, and I've stopped wanting to. The desire to be outside withered last September when the wildfires made the air poison, and died entirely when the new variants started going around. Every time I set foot outdoors I have to lose a little faith in humanity because I see someone wearing their mask under their goddamn nose, or not at all; I'm already full up on stress and sadness and fear, but having to throw anger and resentment on there is too much.

And here's the thing: I hate masks! I have sensory issues, and having that ring of sweat and the cloth sticking to my mouth and the fog on my glasses has been a nightmare, even with the little mouth-nose cages and metal nose strips and anti-fog coating. Miserable. But I goddamn well do it, because it's my responsibility, and I feel so lonely in that belief. Before I stopped going outside, last summer, I walked by a creek where a bunch of children and families were playing maskless in the water, and the combination of jealousy and anger was a sickening gut-punch that I'll never forget.

I've had to watch the young and healthy struggle back from the brink, and months later they're still tired, they still have circles under their eyes, their taste isn't all the way back yet. I had to attend my aunt's funeral on zoom, which was a shadow of what it should've been - the priest was bopping along to Josh Groban's version of 'You Raise Me Up', but the audio was so shitty it kept cutting in and out every few seconds. She would've thought it was funny if she was here, but she wasn't. My grandma, her sister, bounced back from covid, but can't remember that my aunt is gone.

I miss being able to hug my mom and dad. I miss feeling a little silly when I worried about someone's safety, as opposed to being 200% justified. I miss wanting to go outside. I miss the sensation of having my average daily fear pitched at about a 2, as opposed to a 10. I miss the breeze on my face. I'm so tired.

Comments

[elayna]

{{{{{hugs}}}}}

[tiltedsyllogism]

oh my gosh, I almost started shaking as I read this because I sympathize so hard. I don't have sensory issues on the same scale as you -- just a very good sense of smell (let me tell you, I am so, so tired of the smell of my own face!) and a pair of glasses that fogs easily (just like everyone else's glasses.) I loathe wearing a mask, but of course I do it, because of the insuperable reality of this terrible deadly virus. And it has been *so hard* to see neighbors walking around like they don't care. It isn't very many of them: I live in a university neighborhood, so most people take the science seriously and are the kind of people who play by institutional rules. But that also means that I haven't gotten much practice despairing of my neighbors during and after 2016, like so many other people have. And yeah, it's rough. I have this burning resentment in me now, and I'm torn between hating others for being so irresponsible and hating myself for having this feeling. I worry that it's going to linger in other forms, including false equivalencies: that I'm going to be residually afraid of large social gatherings, and that I'll end up resenting the people who seem comfortable there, as if they never cared about keeping others safe. The only thing that's kept me sane is being able to take walks (because most of my neighbors are conscientious, and my neighborhood isn't super crowded) and I just cannot imagine how hard it is to have lost the desire to go outside. I get how it could happen, but just -- what a terrible headspace to be in.

I hope you are able to reconnect with the outside-- sooner, rather than later. <3